It's taken me a little over three weeks to feel like writing this post. As pretty much everyone who knows me knows my mother passed away on April 12, 2013. Some might say she lost her battle with cancer, but I feel like it is the exact opposite. She WON! Because now, as I sit here sad missing her, she is in heaven with a whole body having a great time with our lord. Would I bring her back if I could? Honestly, no I wouldn't. Because to bring her back would mean she has to suffer more, if I could bring her back healed I still don't think I could take her from our lord.
Do I miss her? Every minute of everyday. It's like having two arms and then losing one when you wake up one morning. Every time you go to reach for something it isn't there, so you have to reevaluate how you can do that now with just one arm. My mom was my best friend, she knew EVERYTHING, I didn't have to explain to her- she just knew. So to not be able to talk to her, or complain or even be able to tell her I miss her is very very hard. Yesterday was my worst day yet. I missed her more than I could even put into words. I didn't feel very good (a mixture of being uncomfortable 8 months pregnant (not complaining about that), having heartburn, allergies causing my nose to be so stopped up I couldn't breathe) and missing my mom led to this grown woman laying in bed crying. All I could think was "I want my momma!" I told my dad about this last night. And he said he knew what I meant, but that my mom would have told me to suck it up. And she would have, he's absolutely right... BUT she would have loved me and listened to me whine before telling me "this too shall pass." She never judged me- only loved me.
I went back to work the week after she passed. It was a hard decision to make, but by going back I have something to do with my days for about a month until school is out on the 23rd. It will nice to have a little bit of moolah for a few weeks as well. John and I have made the decision though, that I will be staying home next year with my little guy. It's what is best for our family. :)
There is a lot going on this week and upcoming weekend. Some things I am looking forward to- others I am not.
On Friday my hubby and I are going to have a 3D ultrasound we will get to see our sweet little guy! Hopefully he will cooperate and we will get to see his face. This is probably the one thing that will get me through the majority of the week! I cannot wait to see his face and find out about how big he is and again be sure he's a he and not a she. ;)
Some very sweet ladies are throwing me a baby shower on Saturday for my sweet little boy. I am excited to celebrate the fact that he is coming! Only 8 more weeks and he should be here (unless he's stubborn like his Nana).
I am not however looking forward to Sunday. I'm sure it won't be as bad as I've made it out to be in my head, but this Sunday is Mother's Day. Which all by itself will be hard. To celebrate moms when I have lost mine!? I can't even begin to imagine how this will ever be fun again (even though I am soon to be a mom myself).
Not only is Sunday Mother's Day- it's the 12th, exactly one month since my sweet momma went to be with Jesus. If this day fell on a Tuesday it would be a hard day! Mother's Day will just make it that much harder.
I'm dealing with a lot of resentment that I'm not going to jump into talking about here because I know I'm being irrational, and will cause hurt feelings that can't ever really be repaired if I make those wounds. It's frustrating to know that you're being irrational but can't really help it.
I know that the loss of my mom is something I will never fully get over. It's impossible to "Get Over" it.
