Opening my can of worms...

So I'm going to open a can of worms... But this is my blog and my feelings- don't like what I'm about to say? Kick rocks. :) 

I just watched a group of daughters who lost their mom to breast cancer on todays episode of The Doctors talk about how they feel about breast cancer. I completely agree that for me right now it's hard to see a pink ribbon or celebrate survivors. I'm happy for them I know how important it is to continue research. But right now that ribbon just represents death for me. No amount of research or awareness will bring my mom back. I promised my mom a year ago that we would participate in the Susan G Komen walk. But now- as the date of it approaches. I'm not ready to celebrate people who survived. I'm jealous and want my mom back. I know I can't have that. It's just too much for me right now. 

Well... That's off my chest. Here's a picture of my sweet boy- no one can be mean after that. ;) 

Here goes nothing...

It's taken me a little over three weeks to feel like writing this post. As pretty much everyone who knows me knows my mother passed away on April 12, 2013. Some might say she lost her battle with cancer, but I feel like it is the exact opposite. She WON! Because now, as I sit here sad missing her, she is in heaven with a whole body having a great time with our lord. Would I bring her back if I could? Honestly, no I wouldn't. Because to bring her back would mean she has to suffer more, if I could bring her back healed I still don't think I could take her from our lord.

Do I miss her? Every minute of everyday. It's like having two arms and then losing one when you wake up one morning. Every time you go to reach for something it isn't there, so you have to reevaluate how you can do that now with just one arm. My mom was my best friend, she knew EVERYTHING, I didn't have to explain to her- she just knew. So to not be able to talk to her, or complain or even be able to tell her I miss her is very very hard. Yesterday was my worst day yet. I missed her more than I could even put into words. I didn't feel very good (a mixture of being uncomfortable 8 months pregnant (not complaining about that), having heartburn, allergies causing my nose to be so stopped up I couldn't breathe) and missing my mom led to this grown woman laying in bed crying. All I could think was "I want my momma!" I told my dad about this last night. And he said he knew what I meant, but that my mom would have told me to suck it up. And she would have, he's absolutely right... BUT she would have loved me and listened to me whine before telling me "this too shall pass." She never judged me- only loved me.

I went back to work the week after she passed. It was a hard decision to make, but by going back I have something to do with my days for about a month until school is out on the 23rd. It will nice to have a little bit of moolah for a few weeks as well. John and I have made the decision though, that I will be staying home next year with my little guy. It's what is best for our family. :)

There is a lot going on this week and upcoming weekend. Some things I am looking forward to- others I am not.

On Friday my hubby and I are going to have a 3D ultrasound we will get to see our sweet little guy! Hopefully he will cooperate and we will get to see his face. This is probably the one thing that will get me through the majority of the week! I cannot wait to see his face and find out about how big he is and again be sure he's a he and not a she. ;)

Some very sweet ladies are throwing me a baby shower on Saturday for my sweet little boy. I am excited to celebrate the fact that he is coming! Only 8 more weeks and he should be here (unless he's stubborn like his Nana).

I am not however looking forward to Sunday. I'm sure it won't be as bad as I've made it out to be in my head, but this Sunday is Mother's Day. Which all by itself will be hard. To celebrate moms when I have lost mine!? I can't even begin to imagine how this will ever be fun again (even though I am soon to be a mom myself).

Not only is Sunday Mother's Day- it's the 12th, exactly one month since my sweet momma went to be with Jesus. If this day fell on a Tuesday it would be a hard day! Mother's Day will just make it that much harder.

I'm dealing with a lot of resentment that I'm not going to jump into talking about here because I know I'm being irrational, and will cause hurt feelings that can't ever really be repaired if I make those wounds. It's frustrating to know that you're being irrational but can't really help it.

I know that the loss of my mom is something I will never fully get over. It's impossible to "Get Over" it.

Mamas...

As most anyone who would be reading this knows, my family is going through two major life events right now.

#1- I am 28 weeks pregnant with the sweetest little boy that has ever been (I know you momma's with boys might want to argue with me, but mine is the best- even if I haven't met him yet!) EVERYONE who knows me knows that my main life aspiration has always been to be a mom, and to be the best mom I could ever be. I get this passion from you guessed it- my mom.

Which brings me to #2- it's very hard to even write this, to put it out there were anyone can read it, but my mom is dying. Cancer is slowly and devastatingly taking her away from us. I guess I should start at the beginning here. In early June she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We quickly found out that it was one of the worst kinds of breast cancer to have, but it appeared they had caught it in enough time that she could fight this awful disease and come through it like the tough fighter we all know she is. She had her port to receive chemo inserted while John and I were on our honeymoon. She received 8 very powerful doses of Chemo, never getting more than a little down. All the while she had 3 foster children (6 yrs old, 5 yrs old, and 3 yrs old)! She had a bilateral mastectomy (that's both sides) at the beginning of November, and started radiation right before Christmas. The first week of 2013 she started having some issues keeping food down and with dizziness. Her doctors started trying to figure out why she was having these symptoms from radiation. They found that her cancer had spread to her brain. Doctors in January told us we just had a few weeks left with her. She defied all their odds and has showed me and the doctors that our God and her fighting spirit are way bigger than their medicine (don't get me wrong I'm thankful for doctors and medicine). Now, almost 3 months later, she is back where we were then. It's the toughest thing I've ever had to do, to watch my tough mama struggle. She's stable, but unable to really communicate with us.

The part of this post that really gets tough is the part where I tell you how I feel about all this. For my mom I am relieved she isn't hurting, and so glad we are able to have her at home- in her new house that she designed and built! But at the same time, I want to scream and cry because she doesn't deserve this! She took care of all those kids, spoiled them rotten, but won't be able to spoil her grandkids like she always planned to. I hurt for me, but I am mad on her behalf. I'm mad for my son, that he won't be able to know first hand how awesome his nana is! You better believe I am going to tell him about her! It's not fair to him.

I know I'm not the first person to be losing someone they love. I know the world will go on, I know I will continue to breathe and find the strength to welcome my little guy into the world, but I do know that the day of his birth will be one of the most bittersweet happy days of my life. My mom won't be able to help me push him into this world, she won't be able to love on him like she always wanted to, or buy him crap he doesn't need but wants just because she's his nana. I have no doubt my dad will do a fabulous job of all those things, but he's not my mom.

I'm going to quit rambling now... I will post again soon when I have a little better idea of what I want to say, these pregnancy hormones have me all over the place these days. Thanks everyone for loving my family and me, and supporting us through this time that is truly not easy.

The beginning...

In starting this blog my goal is to express my emotions about the roller coaster that is my life right now. There are many very happy events happening as we'll as many devastating, life altering, events. The last few weeks, or maybe even months I have been holding all of my feelings and emotions in- as many would imagine this isn't really working for me. My poor, sweet husband usually ends up awake with me at 2 AM listening to me bawl my eyes out, and doing his best to help me remember to breathe! After one of these such occasions (last night) I've decided I can't keep putting both of us through this emotional turmoil and sleepless nights. So on that note, here goes nothing!