Mamas...

As most anyone who would be reading this knows, my family is going through two major life events right now.

#1- I am 28 weeks pregnant with the sweetest little boy that has ever been (I know you momma's with boys might want to argue with me, but mine is the best- even if I haven't met him yet!) EVERYONE who knows me knows that my main life aspiration has always been to be a mom, and to be the best mom I could ever be. I get this passion from you guessed it- my mom.

Which brings me to #2- it's very hard to even write this, to put it out there were anyone can read it, but my mom is dying. Cancer is slowly and devastatingly taking her away from us. I guess I should start at the beginning here. In early June she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We quickly found out that it was one of the worst kinds of breast cancer to have, but it appeared they had caught it in enough time that she could fight this awful disease and come through it like the tough fighter we all know she is. She had her port to receive chemo inserted while John and I were on our honeymoon. She received 8 very powerful doses of Chemo, never getting more than a little down. All the while she had 3 foster children (6 yrs old, 5 yrs old, and 3 yrs old)! She had a bilateral mastectomy (that's both sides) at the beginning of November, and started radiation right before Christmas. The first week of 2013 she started having some issues keeping food down and with dizziness. Her doctors started trying to figure out why she was having these symptoms from radiation. They found that her cancer had spread to her brain. Doctors in January told us we just had a few weeks left with her. She defied all their odds and has showed me and the doctors that our God and her fighting spirit are way bigger than their medicine (don't get me wrong I'm thankful for doctors and medicine). Now, almost 3 months later, she is back where we were then. It's the toughest thing I've ever had to do, to watch my tough mama struggle. She's stable, but unable to really communicate with us.

The part of this post that really gets tough is the part where I tell you how I feel about all this. For my mom I am relieved she isn't hurting, and so glad we are able to have her at home- in her new house that she designed and built! But at the same time, I want to scream and cry because she doesn't deserve this! She took care of all those kids, spoiled them rotten, but won't be able to spoil her grandkids like she always planned to. I hurt for me, but I am mad on her behalf. I'm mad for my son, that he won't be able to know first hand how awesome his nana is! You better believe I am going to tell him about her! It's not fair to him.

I know I'm not the first person to be losing someone they love. I know the world will go on, I know I will continue to breathe and find the strength to welcome my little guy into the world, but I do know that the day of his birth will be one of the most bittersweet happy days of my life. My mom won't be able to help me push him into this world, she won't be able to love on him like she always wanted to, or buy him crap he doesn't need but wants just because she's his nana. I have no doubt my dad will do a fabulous job of all those things, but he's not my mom.

I'm going to quit rambling now... I will post again soon when I have a little better idea of what I want to say, these pregnancy hormones have me all over the place these days. Thanks everyone for loving my family and me, and supporting us through this time that is truly not easy.

The beginning...

In starting this blog my goal is to express my emotions about the roller coaster that is my life right now. There are many very happy events happening as we'll as many devastating, life altering, events. The last few weeks, or maybe even months I have been holding all of my feelings and emotions in- as many would imagine this isn't really working for me. My poor, sweet husband usually ends up awake with me at 2 AM listening to me bawl my eyes out, and doing his best to help me remember to breathe! After one of these such occasions (last night) I've decided I can't keep putting both of us through this emotional turmoil and sleepless nights. So on that note, here goes nothing!